Thinking like a Sociopath. (How to become a politician!)

Here in District 22 of Houston, Texas, my readers might already have a mindset for me. STEERS AND QUEERS. AM I RIGHT? Seeing as how my nature is not set to eat grass and have people use my excreted waste for fertilizer and then have them eat me, I guess that makes me a queer. A queer who’s going to talk about politics. And you know, you have to read. Because your last resort to cure boredom was to read a gay man’s political advice. And you can’t turn away now, oh no. You’re bored. Where else do you have to go? You’ve already searched the edges of the internet of gay midget rim jobs and Japanese tentacle rape. You have no where else to turn for entertainment than here. (Bwa-ha-ha-ha)
Now that I have your attention: Becoming a local politician in your town doesn’t have to be hard at all. Just follow my advice and make sure to steal everyone’s campaign poster and you’ll do fine.
1) Make sure you’re loud. As I’ve mentioned before, the louder you are, the more people will hear you the more sane you sound to others. Being rational has nothing to do with anything. Just shout over a megaphone that you want to lower everyone’s taxes, you hate Obama, and you love religion. Make sure that religion is a branch of Christianity or you get stones thrown at you and words to hurt your feelings. Meh. Scratch that. I’m sure if you yell loud enough, people will only care that you believe in god. So make sure you have anything to amplify your voice to pollute a quiet neighborhood with noise almost as loud as a goddamn rocket. And you have to be that loud. To gather many, many grumpy people out of their houses at three o’clock in the morning. Because people are busy at any other time of the day and you know this.
2) Write your name on every campaign poster. Make sure you black/white out everything except your name the “Vote for” and whatever office that other guy was running for. Fuck him. He’s not winning with someone as determined as you running for that same seat. While your out making your statements don’t be afraid to hold up a sign you personally made with someone else’s sign and get the crowd you angered so early in their precious morning to riot. Did I say riot? I meant rally. For you. Just say you work for (insert candidates name here) and say he specifically told you to wake these poor and middle class people (maybe some hobos) because he didn’t give a fuck about them. And then tell them where he/she sleeps. And works. The “rally” will be such a classic site. Bonus! You’re running with no opponent.
3) Now that we’ve cleared any opposition to whatever seat you’re trying to run for, we definitely need to work on that background you have. Things like rape, statutory rape, quadruple homicide, and escape from a mental institution are bad things for media to find out. OH WAIT. That guy people just murdered. He has a friendly name. And you magically look suspiciously like him. What a fucking win. Too bad that guy trying to keep up his shitty marriage and two affairs. Good luck having energy with that piece of shit penis you got stuck with. Well, almost clear sailing from here. We just have to take care of the people who can tell you’re different from the guy you got hundreds of hobos and poor people to kill. I’m sure you can manage it. You didn’t commit that quadruple homicide for nothing. I mean that guy stole your fucking breakfast doughnut. And the other three people tried to stop you from taking it back. They just had to die.
4) Voting day! You know what to do. You’re running unopposed. You can just relax and wait for the results.
Results: Peter Griffin = 97%; You = 3%
That’s right. You lost to a goddamn fictional character. And not just a lost, this was a fucking landslide of gigantic proportions. Well, you’re still out of the loony bin. Might as well kill some more people before they exile you from public air.